There is a group of women who often suffer in silence. We are women whose husbands are caught in the snare of pornography.
This is a place of help, of hope, of strength.
This blog is written with the assumption that you have chosen to fight for your husband, your marriage, and your family.
The things posted here will be in the form of encouragement and help to do just that.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Deconstructing An Addict - Part 1: Boot Camp

I have titled this blog Deconstructing An Addict - Part 1: Boot Camp.

In a move very unlike me, I have no idea how many parts there are or what Part 2 is or when I will write it. Look at me! I'm letting go of my control issues! :)

On to the post...
My husband and I will periodically make a comment that he is "broken".
That might come across as a negative thing, but I think for us, it's an acceptance of where we are right now. Because as we all know, the first step is to admit you have a problem. He's done that, but now we need lots of other first steps to acknowledge how that problem has bled into his psyche and his personality.

We've been fighting more lately.

I am less patient than my best self.

He is what I am now calling "prickly".

He's tired of feeling like a failure who can't do anything right and he gets prideful and defensive, even when there is no accusation of any wrong-doing or character flaw. He is seeing attacks on him where they don't exist.

He's got an ex-wife and two children with whom there is essentially no communication right now. That's been going on for over a year. But before that and a little during that, these three people were telling him in no uncertain terms how horrible he was. They refuse to have him in their lives which tells him that for all of his faults and sins, they see nothing redeeming in him. They can no longer remember the love or the good times. Everything is focused on the mistakes. And I fear for their darkening hearts, but that is a story for another day.

And then I complain about whatever is bugging me on any particular day and it doesn't surprise me at all the he just can't take anymore. But during our last fight I had the realization, and then said it out loud to him, that if I don't have a meltdown, he doesn't ever do anything to change. He is in a persistent state of being paralyzed by fear, indecision, and insecurity.

I told him about Boot Camp. Not that I've ever been, but I've lived long enough with enough military friends and family members and a few movies that have given me a pretty good picture. I told him that they break you down for the sole purpose of building you back up into what they need you to be. A good soldier.

We need to break down my husband for one soul purpose.

To find the worth of his soul.

He needs to find it and he needs to build it up so that it might shine before men.

I say of these souls, precious to our Father and our Master: 
“There’s just as much value in those who have slipped off. 
Let’s go back and get them!”

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