To Thine Own Self Be True – Part 3: The Daily Grind

Who are you today?

What do you think about the most?

What makes you happy?

What makes you angry?

Why?

What physical issues are you dealing with?

What temporal issues are you dealing with?

I am constantly praying for guidance. My Patriarchal Blessing tells me to.

I am reading that blessing more frequently lately to see if anything strikes me. And something new always does. That is one of the ways of learning who I am and who I am supposed to be. It clarifies for me what to focus on and that the path of my life is pre-ordained, if I am willing to submit my will to His. 

Of course through my own agency I can take whatever path I choose, but if I am willing to be humble and submissive, then Heavenly Father will lead me down His path for me and there I will find the greatest strength, the greatest wisdom, and the greatest joy. 

I just finished the book Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's the sequel to Eat, Pray, Love. I loved it. I love the way she writes, now Elizabeth and I probably would not be friends because we are very different in a lot of ways, but one thing I love about her is how she analyzes things. She thinks everything through in every possible direction. It can be dizzying for some, but I think the same way, so I can keep up and I love feeling intellectually challenged like that. In this book, she is studying marriage as she prepares for her second wedding. She has some great insights. Be warned there are a smattering of R rated words in the book if you are considering it. But if you read Eat, Pray, Love, you know her style. 

After discussing marriage with her mother, she made this comment: 

“My mother herself had probably given up long ago trying to draw tidy ultimate conclusions about her own existence, having abandoned (as so many of us must do, after a certain age) the luxuriously innocent fantasy that one is entitled to have unmixed feelings about one’s own life. “ – Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed

I love that she just gave me permission to have mixed feelings about my life.  Who isn't a little wobbly sometimes? 

It’s ok to be unsure and to have bad days. But don’t just let those days take over and rule you. I’ve struggled a lot with depression and anger the last six months or so. And I just couldn’t shake it. I’d read my scriptures and pray, pray, pray like a good girl and I’d try to talk to my husband about things that were bothering me and read self-help books. Nothing was helping. I am a strong, independent person. I’m a fixer. So this was really devastating for me to feel so out of control.

But then I had the thought a few times that Heavenly Father was not going to help me on purpose. Wha? Yes, I think in ways I had been enabling some of my husband’s weaknesses and letting him get away with doing less for our family. The only way to get me out of the cycle of enabling and to get him out of the cycle of avoiding was to clip me at the knees. Heavenly Father wasn’t going to help me get out of this because he needed me to be weak in order to change the status quo in our lives. I had to become completely helpless in order to stop handling everything, which meant my husband was handling nothing. I simply couldn’t continue as things were.

During all those times that I prayed for help to be strong or to not feel so angry or emotional, I was not feeling any help. I was feeling alone and abandoned. But it still took me spending that much time on my knees and that much time in contemplation to get the answer that help wasn’t coming for me; at least not in the form that I’d been asking for it. I needed to prove that I was willing to do anything, I needed to demonstrate my helplessness over and over and be raw enough to get that message that I was being left in my misery for a purpose. I needed to keep going, despite not getting answers.

I need to know myself better than I ever have. I’ve had to take notice of days when either depression or cycling hormones are affecting me and not let that take over my day. I can acknowledge that I’m fragile that day and I can understand why and I can have that conversation with my husband so that we both know that I’m sensitive that day and we can’t take things too personally. I can know that I may need to take some quiet time or some medication to help me.

I know some days that the depth of scriptures might not absorb and maybe I need to pick up the Ensign instead. I’m learning that some days I need more sunshine and some days I need more sleep. I’m learning that feeling grumpy needs to be treated like fasting; I need to be stronger than the instincts of my body and strengthen my mind and spirit so I am not such a victim of chemistry. I’m learning that some days I need a bite of chocolate, but most days I need more veggies & fruit. And some days I need to not get everything done on the checklist, but most days I need to keep accomplishing things to help me feel organized and not disheveled. Most days I need to exercise, but some days I need to give myself permission to take it easy.

I’m learning that I need to be thinking not just about how I feel today, but where I want to be tomorrow.  I'm test driving faith in a new way. I like to have all the facts, but sometimes, they just aren't available. I'm not allowed to see around the next bend. So I am trying to relax and let Heavenly Father be in charge, while I do all the things that I'm supposed to do. By getting a better handle on who I am and what I can control and what I can't, I can find myself at peace more often. The peace that passeth all understanding is a precious tender mercy.

Next time: To Thine Own Self Be True - Part 4: Quo Vadimus